Responsibility, self-trust, leadership, and back-seat driver

She said I don’t know why but I am resistant to take the ownership. I remember doing that since I was a little girl. And then she asked why that is? She was wondering if that has anything to do with the lack of self-confidence…

I said seems easier to be the back-seat driver. However that comes with lots of frustrations for the one who is trying to direct the direction of the car from the back seat as well as the one who asked to sit at the driver’s seat with no authority… No one can win at this situation. It is OK to suggest a direction every once in a while, and state in the beginning where you wish to go at what speed. However if you sit in the back and offer all your power to the one who you ask to take the lead on, then you need to submit to the direction, the speed and the destination that person will take you to…

I call this a toggle-war syndrome. It almost in a way that the back-seat drivers have no ability to trust that they can get what they want. They also don’t believe that they are capable of giving it to themselves. Therefore they ask someone to provide it for them yet due to lack of trust and wanting to control the situation they suffocate themselves, and the ones who are supposed to provide for them whatever it is they want to get. On the other hand, the fact of the matter is, if the back-seat driver takes a moment and ask themselves would there be any moment in time that I will be pleased in the way I have been lead to, I am guessing the answer would be “no”. Because it really doesn’t matter who is driving them, to where to, in what way, they would be unhappy as the real core issue is not about the destination is about not taking ownership of their life.

So then how one can get off the back-seat and release being the back-seat driver? This requires a lot of courage in some cases, especially when the person has been in this dynamic for most of their life and carrying lessons around managing their power. They often tend to hand their power to someone else to manage, and then sit in frustration and anger. One power-full way to get out of this exhausting and unhealthy dynamic is self-love. When one believes that they are worthy of getting what they want or need, then trust starts to build. You can test this in your system to understand your own patterns. Since I am a yogini and I have tremendous respect to body’s own intelligence, I will teach you a method to check in through your own body. Make an affirmation such as “I believe that I can get what I want”, or “I believe that I am worth of receiving what I want”. Then notice your body’s response. It will share with you if it believes to what you are saying or not. I often get “eeeyyk” kind of an automatic “jerk” reaction when I use an affirmation that doesn’t agree with my existing belief system. Notice where you hold the tension, where are the unbreathable places in your body. Then use affirmations that are softer until you find one that your system finds OK such as “I am willing to believe that I can get what I want” or even softer “I am willing to consider to believe that I can get what I want”…Use this system daily along the side of behavioral change until you come to a place of no resistance and complete trust.

I would also like to share that from my experience with myself and with my clients that the trust issues can take a long time to heal. So you need to be carrying high levels of integrity towards yourself and keep your promises, speak your truth and not hand your power away for this to heal during this time of recovery. This pattern comes from a misuse of power across the time and space…Whether in this life or, if you believe in reincarnation, from another life. In the end, it really doesn’t matter where it has started, you can heal and integrate your soul across time and space. I will also suggest that during this recovery period, you also start taking ownership in your own life, even if it means as simple as to pick the restaurant when you are going out. You can slowly build on your power and get used to managing it appropriately.

Here comes the prayer: May you find courage to look at your own grace; notice, acknowledge and accept how power-full, wonder-full, an amazing you are. May you find the compassion within to free yourself and the people who are sitting at your driver seat from the endless, frustrating toggle-war. May you generate self-love that enables you to take your power from the people you handed to manage it for you.

Namaste,

Tijen

 

Entering into Heaven

“When you die, you meet with your angels. For your soul to enter into heaven, they ask two questions. “Have you found joy in your life?” and “Have your life brought joy to others””. This was one of the scenes in the “Bucket List” where Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson were sitting on top of the Egyptian Pyramids and talking about the meaning of life.

I enjoyed Bucket List as a movie quite a lot. But more than the whole movie itself, this line stuck with me. It was a whole awakening for me to hear these questions, especially the 1st one. As I spent big part of my life not only brining joy to others but being joy for them myself. However it was a big realization for me to notice that I was not having joy doing it… I took bringing joy to others as a serious assignment, and did it no matter what I was feeling, how I was feeling, in some cases to my exhaustion…I never considered myself in the equation. Hearing these lines in the movie was a turning point for me. I asked those two questions to myself then, what brings joy to me and how can I feel joy while I am bringing joy to others…This was seven years ago.

Now, I am in the energy space of seven years of self-study to know that your intention might be pure to bring joy to others, however if you are not taking care of yourself along the way and there is any resentment due to that reason, the energy you are extending will be contaminated with that resentment. So the joy/help, whatever you are trying to give, cannot achieve to its full potential. Your intentions are good but what you extend won’t be as pure…For those of you who struggle with self-worth, hence self-care, knowing this might be helpful to get you back into caring for yourself. As you don’t want to be wrapping your help with a resentment paper…

If you never properly learn to take care of yourself, you may feel awkward, guilty, and weird in the beginning. This might be especially difficult task for those of you have co-dependent tendencies and haven’t learned to establish healthy boundaries for yourself. Saying no becomes hard, guilt comes down hard, the people who are in the co-dependent relationship with you, will pull your shame and guilt strings to get you back into the relationship dynamic they are accustomed to. For those moments, you need to stay strong. Know that as you grow, you are also helping them to grow. After all, when you meet your angels and having discussions about your life, do you want to take responsibility of the other people’s lives to say, oh, sorry, I did everything for them and they could not learn???Take the responsibility of your own life, nothing other than that…Be the best at your own life. Bring joy to yourself and let that influence other’s energy space. Remember, energy is felt.

My gift for you today is to reflect on this one…What are your tendencies in brining joy to others? How are you brining joy to yourself? What gives joy to you? What makes you want to see others happy? What happens to you if they chose not to? What makes you want to solve problems for other people? What happens to you when their choice is to stay in the problem space? What is your self-care regime? How is that working for you? How is your energetic exchange with others no matter what you are doing for them? How is it after a self-care regime of yours and how is it when you completely ignore yourself?

Here comes my prayer…May you find yourself worthy enough to consciously seek joy for you…May you find yourself important enough to offer appropriate self-care…May your joy-brining act for others be effortless and comes from the heart. May you be a joy bundle at all times so that your joy exchange is free-flowing…

Namaste,

Picture credits: http://lifestyle.www.ns.sg/fit-life/get-ahead/flightstick/what-you-gonna-do-before-you-kick-the-bucket

http://www.catholicapologetics.info/apologetics/general/heaven.htm

 

Tijen

 

Have an imaginary divorce!

When I am doing relationship coaching, time and again, I notice that there is not much or almost no space between the client who is telling the story and the one that is the subject of the complaints…What I observe is that often the energy is in the relationship is unbalanced. There is one who is extremely afraid of her/his needs are not going to be met and becomes “the controlling” in the relationship and then the other one who is exhausted by this non-trusting behavior, and overwhelming energy, retracts his or her one slowly towards complete absence…Often the one that is in so desperate need to get his/her needs meet and not trusting that will ever be possible for him/her expands his/her energy so far that there is no space left for other party to express their individuality or even contribute to the relationship. Then this turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, for the one who does not trust that their needs are going to be met…

This is a very interesting dynamic as sometimes I see this tango is performed by most innocent, sweetest persons who you would never even for a moment think that they have this big needy hole in them that is constantly driving them and the other party nuts and with the feeling of being exhausted and drained…

I call this type of coaching, not the relationship coaching but the “hole” coaching. In my experience, you can coach the relationship as much as you want, if the person with the “needy” and the “hungry hole” doesn’t get to heal that, there is often very little success…

What I see working very well on this is to assist the client to focus their attention to themselves…Because what this “hungry hole” is looking for their “mummy” or “daddy”…They need the person to stop taking care of everyone but themselves…They need to be on their own list and show themselves that they are important. Until that happens, there is no way to convince themselves, regardless of what other person does, that their needs are going to be met…

And sometimes person struggles so much for learning to focus their energy towards themselves as there is a deeper wound in these types of very giving persons that is to accept that they are worthy enough to take care of themselves. So an idea of “separation” get them to focus their energy towards themselves…When they completely give up on the other person, they learn to let go and retract their energy, then the relationship starts breathing as the space is created…They learn to take care of themselves then there is less pressure for other person to be everything for this person that they are not to themselves…(See my blogs called I am good and I am enough, and Rescue You Princess)

What I am inspired to share with you today is that whether you have such a relationship dynamic or not; whether you know how to take care of our needs or not, just release your “overly” strong ties today, this week of love…Soften the neediness, soften the need of control the love, behavior, need to manage what other person does or doesn’t do…Give yourself an “imaginary divorce” from these relationships…See what does that create for you, and for the relationship, with the creation of magical, quantum space…

May you find strength within to release your desire to “own” the persons in your relationships…May you find courage to create quantum space for magic to happen. May you find and meet with your self-worth and embody that in to your whole being…May you allow love to celebrate you this week!

Theme Song: Passenger – Let Her Go

“Only know you love her when you let her go…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ginx7WKq5GE

Namaste,

Picture credits: Black hole: Wikipedia.com; energy space: astrowatch.com

Tijen

Acceptance policy

Yesterday I talked about conditions we put around our love on my “Conditional Love” blog. Today, I am on a much related topic. We also have hidden, unknown policies to us towards acceptance. When we engage with another being, we already know up front before they say anything how much we accept them or not. Just take a moment and connect with that….Think about a person, and see what your percentage of acceptance of that person. And know that the number you assign to them will determine the quality, truth, and authenticity of that relationship. It also determines how safe for each of you to be who you are and speak your truth while you are together…This is also true between you and the social systems you are part of…

I am inspired to speak and write about these similar subjects these days as it is up in my face constantly. It wasn’t long ago I wrote about the blog “Coming Out of the Closet”. I am still having those conversations with exquisite people who are not feeling safe to express themselves authentically. They have fears about losing clients, losing credibility, being interpreted as “out there”, not factual, not logical or whatever it is…The fact of the matter is however, when we don’t engage from the authentic core of ourselves, we are also cheating in that relationship. We do not trust their ability to handle our truth, and we are denying that part of ourselves by saying to that they are not qualified to express themselves freely…

When you have an acceptance number for someone or some social group that is less than 100 then there is a fear, lack trust and dishonesty. In that condition, how fruitful that relationship can be? Please take another moment to find a relationship that you have with the highest number and then with the lowest number. See how different you are in those relationships…Which one are you willing to pursue? If you are choosing the one with the higher number, then you have some work to do to get the other numbers to a higher percentage…I know most of you are going to tell me “it is not me, it is them” story… Even if you think that is the case, just find something that you can do to be more truthful in that relationship, and notice how much are you willing to up your acceptance score of them? What do you need to see, believe, hear, know to accept the other person…I often see this struggle with mothers, especially protective ones. They struggle accepting the grace, creativity, and capability of their children to take care of themselves somehow. You may think that, but we cannot leave them alone. I am not asking you to do that. I am asking you to get in touch with the part inside of you that is struggling to trust, and see what that part needs to know so that you can up the acceptance score to have a more trusting relationship…

Today my gift to you is the awareness of your “acceptance policy”…Figure out where you have your rules manual. How long ago you have visited that manual? Does it need updating? Who was involved while writing that policy? Are those people still the ones who you would engage for your policy creation? How are their acceptance policies serving them? What are the results of their acceptance policies as well as yours? If you were to modify or soften your policy how would that look like? What will you notice changing in your life, relationships and in your body as you make those changes? Who would you become with the new policy of yours? How would you like that version of you? And how comfortable are you to publicly disclose your acceptance scores??

With that, here is my prayer…May you find grace, trust and security to accept others as they are…May you find comfort in allowing others to express themselves freely. May you find strength to express yourself freely and trust your abilities to manage your life and your relationships from your authenticity…

Namaste,

Tijen

Guilt, Shame and Freedom to Love

It is interesting to realize that guilt and shame concepts that we learn how to feel about at very early age but almost never learn to how to use them as supportive tools…I realized this last year when I was guided to look at how I was using guilt as the core driver behind large number of behavioral patterns without realizing it. I then did some research about what guilt and shame was, and how people were utilizing them. It is clear that as a social tool, guilt and shame can be helpful when used as a boundary setting vehicle. They help us create boundaries and make assessments what is acceptable by the social networks we are part of and what is not. Since we learn this so early, especially within the family and immediate social structures, we create very strong boundaries with them and never think to reassess these things unless we come to a certain evaluation point in our lives or change our social structures in a significant way such as moving into a different country, or travel to different cultures, etc. You can see that absence of guilt and shame might create a Wild West kind of disorder when respect, understanding and compassion are not present.

Interestingly enough, I started to write this blog almost a year ago and never finished it. This was one of few ideas that I started as a blog and not completed. A year, and a many growth experiences later, I am inspired to complete and publish it. And that might be a better thing as I have much better understanding and appreciation of these two concepts and how they are being used or abused…

I spoke bit about making others wrong via shaming and guilt on my “How to Make Yourself Right” blog. So today, I am actually going to speak from a different perspective…We stepped into a new era, Age of Aquarius with lots of shattering of the existing systems such as economy, corporate structure, learning methods, communication methods, etc. Lots of the things, tools and methods we learned to use and know to be working are working no more…We are in limbo, not sure what to hold on to until we create new systems…In this shuttering environment, we also need to reassess our moral values as well as shame and guilt structures.

Most of you know that I learned to look at things symbolically as a coach and a spiritual teacher. Last weekend, a friend of mine informed me about her living window shattering into million pieces in front of her eyes all of a sudden. I didn’t know what to make of it at that time…As I write this I know. It is exactly what is happening to us. We knew how to live and look with a defined perspective to our lives yet this perspective really needs to be reassessed with the shuttering of old, outdated, structures that are away from carrying integrity…We are hearing corruptions all over yet we continue to put the people in jail based on the outdated laws…Another friend of mine send an email earlier this week, she is visiting jail to support the inmates and provide free yoga classes…Versus some of us in this culture would choose to shame those individuals who are in jail and expel them from the society…

Today, I am questioning that if we continue to separate instead of uniting, and continue to use shame and guilt to divide and exclude how we get to compassion and understanding…Here is another perspective for you, this very same thing is happening inside of you. You have guilted and shamed some parts of you, based on the social rules you have learned and refusing these parts to come closer to your heart!!!Those parts are hurting, suffering, decaying and suffocating inside the prison cells you put them in. Yes, there are parts of you that you find, criminal, immoral, detested and you have no mercy for them…If you cannot bring them and their energies to your heart, who can??? And if you treat yourself that way, can you imagine how you are treating others…

How about just for a moment you breathe into these sore, hurting, expelled, shamed, completely unacceptable parts of yours and see if you can generate compassion for them…Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating to coming to a place of no moral values, rather being more forgiving, compassionate, understanding and inclusive about the parts of ourselves and/or people who are willing to express themselves in the way that is different from your value system…As you bring compassion into the equation your heart will be open, eventually you benefit more than anyone else, trust me…Try it out, it is for free!!!Remember, we are all together going to define the new values and systems of the Age of Aquarius…Who is to say if you shift your lenses those values you feel so detested about might be very well acceptable from new perspective…

I wanted to share a wisdom from an African tribe that also came to my way second time yesterday…It is a fascinating story that I will include think to this blog so you can read it. I am just going to include this part “…In the African tribe there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them…”

On this snow-covered day in Pennsylvania, I am sending my prayer for you to find that innocence of the snow in the values/behaviors you learned to expel from your perspective and allow yourself to see things from a kaleidoscopic view…Even if you decide not to continue to be inclusive, just for a moment in your life, allow yourself to enjoy the colors, warming of your heart and energy of compassion …

Link to the African Tribe Story: http://the-truths.com/2014/01/14/tribe-africa-birth-date-child-counted-born/#sthash.0net9Lr3.dpuf

Namaste,

Tijen

Self-care 101

I want to be in my own priority list she said, when I asked her what is it that she would like us to focus on during our coaching conversation…Into our discussion it became clear that she was a “caretaker” for a lot of people and that’s how she found value in her existence…It has been my experience as a coach, people with this archetype often neglect their own needs. Somehow they do not see themselves as a being that needs to be taken care of…This very attitude got them into the taken care of other’s space to begin with… Yes, they are often nice people but their hidden agenda is to find value for themselves…And those of you who know the term being used in American culture “Jewish Mothers” that are overly caring, is the shadow side of this archetype desperate to find value for the self…

So today, let’s talk about from this perspective, what makes other’s needs more important than your own? How do you hear your inner voice when it speaks to you in need? And what happens to it when you continue to ignore? Does it become a nagging inner voice or does it completely get depressed and hide in the basement of your being? Either way you know you have work to do to convince that part that they matter and re-gain their confidence in you…

However in order that dialogue to start you need to be in the space of awareness first…So let’s do a little self-reflection and go in, to see in what scenarios you employ this self-ignoring behavior, if at all…Some of us do this in only certain areas, some of us do it in every case, and some of us has another perspective and seek their values by having other people do things for them all the time…I will not be speaking about that last behavior type on this blogJ

Figure out your value seeking strategies…And reevaluate them. See how that behavior is serving you and all parts of you…See if everyone inside of you are happy and taking care of…Have a dialogue to see if you start serving them and cater to their needs what changes will occur for you and everyone around you? How will that change empower you and the ones “you are in need” to serve? Notice your needs to serve versus other’s need to receive? Are they in balance or are you being a “Jewish mother”, smothering others with your needs and suffocate their empowerment of themselves… What do you “need” to see, hear, know and feel to get out of this dance???

Today is a Sunday, it is winter in the US and pretty cold in Pennsylvania…I feel like staying in and cuddling with my blankets…Where ever you are, and whenever this blog will find you, I would like to offer you to make that date a “self-cuddling day”. Make a date with yourself. Cuddle with the parts that you have ben neglecting. The parts that started to look anorexic from the lack of self-nourishment, the parts have anger management issues, the parts are having anxiety attacks, are becoming obese out of being neglected or whatever they are… See if they are still willing to speak with you, open the dialogue and hear them…Keep a tissue box near you, it will be a very fulfilling and emotional as well as freeing conversation….Enjoy self-cuddling time…Make other appointments for self-cuddling date with self…Be sure you don’t turn these into self-bribery with behaviors like buying expensive things for yourself, etc. They will NOT address the issue of self-care…It will only make them stop nagging for a little bit and they become louder the next time…You would be breaching the trust further with these kinds of behaviors…

With that, here comes my prayer: May you are able to see your value, may you are able to know, feel and trust that you are worth to be taken care of. May you know that the people, who you put before you, are completely equipped to take care of themselves or find other sources for care besides you. May you are able to see the light, capability and skills of others and trust their grace towards taken care of their needs…

Enjoy your self-cuddling date!

Namaste,

Anorexia picture credit: http://blogs.plos.org/mindthebrain/2014/01/16/cognitive-behavior-psychodynamic-therapy-better-routine-care-anorexia/

Tijen